Horoscopes for Short Attention Spans - JANUARY 2024

1/1: Back to life, back to reality :(
1/4: It’s a New Year, but the New You just found out.
1/6: A weekend of Sunday Scaries. I’m sorry.
1/8: Today is not the day for an edible.
1/9: The bad bitch in you shows up. Start your resolution today.
1/11: A new outlook on career and what it means to you. Reminder: put your values first.
1/12: Say yes to happy hour. $8 appetizers? Yes please.
1/15: Make time to meditate.
1/19: Talk! But don’t be talked out of your boundaries.
1/20: Beware of burnt bridges. Make sure you don’t have lighter fluid on your hands.
1/25: Don’t throw all caution to the wind. Hold on to a little caution.
1/27: If “Per my last e-mail” were a day, it would be today.
1/29: Curveballs abound but you’ve never been more prepared.

1/1: New Year, new you… new friends?
1/4: Is your passport up to date? Double check.
1/8: Avoid gossiping at all costs.
1/9: Authenticity doesn’t mean predictable.
1/11: Experiment with faith. Faith in whatever makes you feel safe.
1/12: You have the energy today. Go on a hike with some friends! (I can hear you rolling your eyes, Taurus.)
1/18: If you need to hash things out with a friend, do it today.
1/19: Use protection.
1/20: Taurus, you’re the bull, but today you’re more like a dog with a bone.
1/25: Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.
1/27: Be careful not to say something you can’t take back.
1/28: Look for alternative solutions.

1/1: The sparkles are wearing off.
1/4: Balance your checkbook today.
1/6: Be your own bestie today. You’re fun!
1/8: Don’t have the “what are we” talk today if you can avoid it.
1/9: You’re feeling inspired today and it looks really cute on you.
1/11: Talk budgets with your partner. Hold each other accountable.
1/15: Bring your creativity to work day!
1/19: Just because you can talk your way through their boundary doesn’t mean you should.
1/20: Power struggles leave you feeling vulnerable.
1/25: Different results require different habits.
1/27: Your words are loaded weapons today. Use them only when necessary.
1/28: Creative solutions avail themselves to you today. TAKE THEM!

1/1: New Year's resolutions don’t HAVE to start on New Year's Day.
1/4: Challenge yourself to say yes to the date.
1/6: You also deserve to be loved.
1/8: Don’t bother with the to-do list today.
1/9: Say yes to the surprise last minute offer.
1/11: Let your romantic self start something fresh today.
1/12: Double date!
1/18: Be clear about what you’re looking for.
1/19: Cults and love bombing both feel great at first. Don’t commit to either.
1/20: Things that a healthy relationship are not: obsessive and controlling.
1/25: Put that credit card on ice. Time to cut back on toxic spending habits!
1/26: Talk about those fears with someone you trust and love.
1/27: You deserve what you’re looking for, but you don’t deserve to hurt people in the process.
1/28: If you’ve ever considered speed dating, today’s the day!
1/29: Make room for a romantic twist.

1/1: Take some time off the apps.
1/4: Spend some time updating your daily routine.
1/8: Why are all these contracts written in Elvish? Don’t try to translate
1/9: Yesterday was just pretend, today you’re at full speed.
1/11: Find new ways to appreciate your body.
1/12: Take that strong body to a cute new group fitness class.
1/15: Take a new route home. Enjoy the scenery.
1/18: Find a new pen to take notes with today.
1/19: Practice safe sex. No is a complete sentence.
1/20: “My way or the highway” is going to cause trouble today.
1/25: Feeling larger than life is great, just make sure it’s not your ego inflating.
1/27: Road rage is not your color.
1/29: Enjoy an unexpected win at work.

1/1: Not everyone wants to tidy up on New Year’s Day.
1/4: Get busy creating, Virgo!
1/8: Don’t try to talk it out today. You’re speaking different languages.
1/9: Let the inspiration take you in a different direction. You can pull this off.
1/11: Bring in what will light your fire. Let your values guide you.
1/12: You’re on a roll. Don’t stop now.
1/18: Fine tune your ideas.
1/19: Write a poem to your beloved.
1/20: Passions don’t require obsession.
1/25: Part ways with the habits that get between you and your well-being.
1/26: If anyone can do it all, it’s you. But that doesn’t mean you should.
1/27: Lead with your values, not your ego.
1/28: Let yourself be a vessel for hope and potential.

1/1: You’ve hit your max with people pleasing. Let today be yours.
1/4: If you haven’t already, let today be about cleaning up after the holidays.
1/6: Home is where you are. You don’t need someone else to make it so.
1/8: Gossipping is tacky. Even if it’s true.
1/9: Spend time making home more homey.
1/11: Sign the lease today. Time for a new beginning on the homefront.
1/12: Hire movers!
1/15: Pick a new paint color for your bedroom.
1/19: A good day for vision boards, but not a great day to shop.
1/20: Are they boundaries? Or are you just flexing your power?
1/23: Decorate your domain.
1/25: How are you at sharing?
1/27: Hurt people hurt people.
1/28: Working together will lead to more creative solutions.

1/1: Don’t try to buy happy.
1/6: You are more than your wounds.
1/8: Step away from the Excel budget spreadsheet, beautiful mind.
1/9: Try a new recipe or a new restaurant.
1/11: Create a new, realistic budget to work with. Don’t reinvent the wheel.
1/12: Let someone take you for a little treat.
1/15: Create something small today.
1/19: You probably can’t afford it right now.
1/20: Is this the ship you want to go down with?
1/25: Not all structure is a trap.
1/26: You might need to eat some humble pie, but don’t choke on it.
1/27: You aren’t burying the hatchet if you leave the handle sticking out.
1/28: Enjoy some fun with someone you love. (Reminder: you’re someone.)

1/1: The worst part about New Year’s Day is cleaning up after the party.
1/6: Looking at the holiday damage to your checking account is never fun.
1/8: Everyone is circling back and you have no idea what they’re talking about. FUN!
1/9: Cancel the subscriptions you no longer need.
1/11: You have the capacity to make responsible financial decisions today. You just don’t really want to.
1/12: A good sale? Yes please.
1/19: Lean into your thrifty era! Thrifty, not cheap.
1/20: How passionate should you be about the things you value?
1/25: If you subscribe to philosophies that contradict your values, it’s time to let go.
1/26: Overextending yourself is never wise. Even if it’s for a good cause.
1/27: Put your money where your mouth is.
1/29: The wisest investments aren’t always the most common.

1/1: Treat yourself to some alone time today.
1/4: You have the energy to blowdry your hair today. Treat yourself.
1/6: Be nice to yourself, dammit.
1/8: Back away from the edibles.
1/9: Surprise yourself today.
1/11: This is the actual New Year for you, Cap. Resolutions start now.
1/18: Write a letter to your childhood best friend. Send it. In the mail!
1/19: Rewatch your favorite movie.
1/20: Today is not the day to try you. But if someone does, remember that “they tried me” isn’t a defense that holds up in court.
1/23: Visit the salon for a blowout.
1/25: You’re not the little kid who needs saving anymore. You get to save yourself now.
1/26: Throwing money at the problem will become its own problem.
1/27: Give yourself timeouts as needed.
1/28: Let yourself socialize. It’s nice to remember you’re loved.

1/1: Cue “Friends” by Whodini.
1/4: No one is harder on you than you.
1/6: The most hurtful stories are the ones we tell ourselves.
1/8: The person you’re spilling tea with can’t keep a secret. Better to say nothing.
1/9: Let your home be your safe space.
1/11: Book a session with a new therapist.
1/12: Don’t go out tonight. Watch a guilty pleasure movie at home instead.
1/18: Invest in self-care today.
1/19: Invite a friend over for a game night. Without gambling.
1/20: Sometimes the most powerful move is asking for help.
1/25: A relationship is meant to complement, not complete you.
1/27: Your mind is a dangerous place, don’t walk through it alone.
1/28: Call a relative and get that family recipe. Make it.

1/1: It’s New Year’s Day. You don’t have to answer the emails yet.
1/6: FOMO is usually just a story we tell ourselves.
1/8: Don’t try to make your point today. They won’t get it.
1/9: Eat with some new friends at lunch.
1/11: Build new alliances at work. Annie in accounting is actually hilarious.
1/12: Be a joiner! Go to the mixer! Take the class!
1/18: No, seriously, take the class.
1/19: You shouldn’t be expected to work when you’re not at work. Employees are entitled to boundaries, too.
1/20: You are not the boss of your friends. Nor should you be.
1/25: Do real friends ask you to compromise your values?
1/26: Don’t lock yourself in an echo chamber. Log off social media.
1/28: Go where it’s warm.